Good Morning ❤️

It's Friday and I want to start off my weekend with a true authentic blog post. I titled it #mentalhealthawareness because in this post, I am sharing everything. From how I feel to what Ive struggled with in the past and what I am struggling with now. Mental Health isn't talked about much but when you struggle with anxiety and depression on a daily basis, you wish people would take about it more or you just simply wish that people would understand what you're going through and where you are coming from. That's me. That's where I am at right now.

I have struggled with anxiety and depression my entire life. The earliest being around 7/8 that I can remember. I always thought that there was nothing wrong with me until something was really wrong with me. Please do not read this blog post if you are sensitive to reality and what reality has to offer. I will not sugar coat anything in this blog post as this is my life and I am sharing with you all both sides of being Clean Beauty CLT. Please do not read this if you have a weak stomach or you're still healing with suicidal trauma. This is not the blog post for you.

To jump into the nitty gritty, June 14th. I tried to commit suicide. Let me tell you something. Depression can hide, very well. If you didn't know me, you probably just thought I was shy or weird or something.. idk. But I struggle with social anxiety. Suicide at the time was my solution to ending my pain. My mental pain, my physical pain, my financial pain. Everything. I just wanted to be out of pain and at peace. I don't feel like I've been at peace ever. It seems like it's always been a battle within myself and some days I win and some days I don't. That particular day, I lost. I remember feeling so alone and worthless to the point I didn't want to get out of bed. I took a shower and that was about it. Depression got me there. Feeling alone within my own mental space got me there. and let me tell you, suicide isn't the answer. It's a permanent fix to a temporary problem.

I spent three days at Holly Hills and I should've stayed longer but the facility wasn't really all that great so I left when I could but once I realized what I had done, it was eye opening. The realization that I could've been gone was a wake up call. Like damn, that tuesday could've been my last day and no telling what life would be like for those I love. I didn't think about them when I was in that space. I didn't realize that so many people loved and cared about me until I was in the hospital waiting to get transferred to Holly Hill. 

Going back to reality was the worst part because I wasn't going to lie about why I dropped off the face of the Earth for a week. It was hard because I was so numb to it and still am. I feel nothing about it which is something I need to work through. But anyways, the texts and calls asking if I was okay, did not help me one bit. If anything, it made me feel even more depressed because no I'm not okay and I'm not going to come out and say that. I'm so used to saying "Yes I'm okay" when I know darn well that I'm not and I'm tired of faking the funk with people.

So, now I'm not okay. I am in "recovery", I am taking one day at a time trying to gain my happiness back. I am trying to find the desire to live while still being an entrepreneur, a student, and a braider. I wear many hats and these last couple weeks have showed me that it is time to pour back into myself and just focus on what I need and what that looks like because I am a busy body. I work to keep myself busy and distract myself from my true feelings and I simply cannot do it anymore. I also cannot keep living life without boundaries with myself and others. I also cannot continue to trade my time for money knowing that I am struggling at this degree. 

So with that being said, as of today, I will be taking a break from braiding. In the meantime, I hope to get closer with God and focus on my psychology studies. I do hope to return in the future but I need to save any energy I have left for myself. I want to give my clients a great service but I can't do that when my cup is empty.

I also ask that going forward that we are compassionate with one another because you never know what people are going though behind closed doors. So please be understanding that we are all human and we go through things that someone else may not know about.

Thank you for reading. ❤️